Can I get a little love?

This momma is feeling pooped, discouraged and down right drained [in every way imaginable].  Where do I even begin... without sounding utterly pathetic.  I've been on a soapbox kick for quite some time... I won't lie.  I won't sugar coat it either... I've been a little depressed.  You all know the saying... when it rains it pours... yeah, you've all heard it.  Well my life has been that... over and over and over again lately.  It has rained, poured and even stormed.  When I feel things start looking up... I get yet another thunderstorm.  Today, I sit alone [yes alone] in my house [and oh how it feels wonderful].  Richard went to grab some dinner and took Katherine Grace with him so I could catch a break.  

I sit here in the quiet... asking myself... when does this get better?  The truth is... it might not.  Maybe this is where God has me.  Maybe not.  But today, I sit here sad.  I sit here confused.  My life is wonderful, even picture perfect from the outside [although most lives are].  People reading this post might not understand what they're hearing.  And that is fine.  From the outside, my life does look all put together.  Perfectly organized, all tidy and neat, the happy little family of 3.  And you know what, some days it really is that way.  Honestly... almost ALL days it is that way for Katherine Grace.  She really is the happiest babies EVER!  I won't lie there!

Every time I get excited and feel like I'm doing what God has me to do, all of a sudden life throws a punch at me and stops me in my tracks.  Suddenly I feel like I do this evening - confused.

Confused at the direction my life is going, confused at where I'm supposed to be, confused at what I'm supposed to be doing!  You see, I have these BIG dreams!  And let me tell you... I KNOW HOW TO DREAM BIG.  And in some parts of my life... I HAVE LIVED OUT THOSE BIG DREAMS!

I managed to create a successful business.  A thriving business that most would dream of having.  I managed to get a pretty amazing studio space.  I managed to get the man I dreamed of!  The baby I never imagined I would ever have.  And yet... here I sit... confused, sad and lonely.  Yes, all three.  It might sound selfish to some, that a gal could have it all... yet still be so discontent.

I guess its true.  But I firmly believe God didn't call me to success.  At least not this way.  I was built to serve.  I was created to love on others, to give.  And I don't feel like I am living that out.  Or at least not the way I picture it.  And you know what... maybe the way I picture it isn't the way God pictures it.

The world is constantly telling me one thing... but my heart is telling me the exact opposite.  The world tells me to continue working hard, endless days and continue with that "successful business".  But my heart tells me there is more.  I hear, I think, I dream, I SEE that there MUST be more.

 I also know this is NOT my home.  I know this isn't where it ends.  And because of that, so much of my life is simply... discontent.  Yes, I know I am supposed to be happy and make do with what I have.  And when it comes to my little family of 3... I am soooo happy!  I adore my husband and my oh so happy 8 month old.  I would walk on fire to be with them!  I love them!  

The song that has been ringing in my ear daily... is by Laura Story.

It gives me so much comfort.  It reminds me constantly that this is NOT our home.  That there is so much for us one day when we get to Heaven!  And I know without a doubt in my heart where I will be when He is ready for me.  He has blessed me beyond anything.  Yet, I'm still so empty feeling.  I have so much to give, I heart and passion and drive in me!  Lord, use me!  Where do you have me?  Where do you want me?  What do you have me doing?  I will go, I will do, I will serve gladly for you!

I know He is near... maybe I'm not feeling it because I'm being still.  I'm not seeking Him like I should.  

Sorry for pouring myself out a little too much.  My heart is just so full.  I needed to let that out.  I could really use some encouragement this evening!  Anything you got... throw it at me.  :)

I know this post is forever long... so I'm sorry.  Many of you didn't read it through, or maybe just skimmed through & got to the end.  Thats okay.  Maybe this is just therapy for me... writing it all down.  But thank you to those that did read my thoughts, emotions and feelings. I'm struggling and just need a little love.  So, thanks!

Until then... Brantley