Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Can I get a little love?

This momma is feeling pooped, discouraged and down right drained [in every way imaginable].  Where do I even begin... without sounding utterly pathetic.  I've been on a soapbox kick for quite some time... I won't lie.  I won't sugar coat it either... I've been a little depressed.  You all know the saying... when it rains it pours... yeah, you've all heard it.  Well my life has been that... over and over and over again lately.  It has rained, poured and even stormed.  When I feel things start looking up... I get yet another thunderstorm.  Today, I sit alone [yes alone] in my house [and oh how it feels wonderful].  Richard went to grab some dinner and took Katherine Grace with him so I could catch a break.  

I sit here in the quiet... asking myself... when does this get better?  The truth is... it might not.  Maybe this is where God has me.  Maybe not.  But today, I sit here sad.  I sit here confused.  My life is wonderful, even picture perfect from the outside [although most lives are].  People reading this post might not understand what they're hearing.  And that is fine.  From the outside, my life does look all put together.  Perfectly organized, all tidy and neat, the happy little family of 3.  And you know what, some days it really is that way.  Honestly... almost ALL days it is that way for Katherine Grace.  She really is the happiest babies EVER!  I won't lie there!

Every time I get excited and feel like I'm doing what God has me to do, all of a sudden life throws a punch at me and stops me in my tracks.  Suddenly I feel like I do this evening - confused.

Confused at the direction my life is going, confused at where I'm supposed to be, confused at what I'm supposed to be doing!  You see, I have these BIG dreams!  And let me tell you... I KNOW HOW TO DREAM BIG.  And in some parts of my life... I HAVE LIVED OUT THOSE BIG DREAMS!

I managed to create a successful business.  A thriving business that most would dream of having.  I managed to get a pretty amazing studio space.  I managed to get the man I dreamed of!  The baby I never imagined I would ever have.  And yet... here I sit... confused, sad and lonely.  Yes, all three.  It might sound selfish to some, that a gal could have it all... yet still be so discontent.

I guess its true.  But I firmly believe God didn't call me to success.  At least not this way.  I was built to serve.  I was created to love on others, to give.  And I don't feel like I am living that out.  Or at least not the way I picture it.  And you know what... maybe the way I picture it isn't the way God pictures it.

The world is constantly telling me one thing... but my heart is telling me the exact opposite.  The world tells me to continue working hard, endless days and continue with that "successful business".  But my heart tells me there is more.  I hear, I think, I dream, I SEE that there MUST be more.

 I also know this is NOT my home.  I know this isn't where it ends.  And because of that, so much of my life is simply... discontent.  Yes, I know I am supposed to be happy and make do with what I have.  And when it comes to my little family of 3... I am soooo happy!  I adore my husband and my oh so happy 8 month old.  I would walk on fire to be with them!  I love them!  

The song that has been ringing in my ear daily... is by Laura Story.

It gives me so much comfort.  It reminds me constantly that this is NOT our home.  That there is so much for us one day when we get to Heaven!  And I know without a doubt in my heart where I will be when He is ready for me.  He has blessed me beyond anything.  Yet, I'm still so empty feeling.  I have so much to give, I heart and passion and drive in me!  Lord, use me!  Where do you have me?  Where do you want me?  What do you have me doing?  I will go, I will do, I will serve gladly for you!

I know He is near... maybe I'm not feeling it because I'm being still.  I'm not seeking Him like I should.  

Sorry for pouring myself out a little too much.  My heart is just so full.  I needed to let that out.  I could really use some encouragement this evening!  Anything you got... throw it at me.  :)

I know this post is forever long... so I'm sorry.  Many of you didn't read it through, or maybe just skimmed through & got to the end.  Thats okay.  Maybe this is just therapy for me... writing it all down.  But thank you to those that did read my thoughts, emotions and feelings. I'm struggling and just need a little love.  So, thanks!

Until then... Brantley


amelia said...

Looks like you're in the dessert!! The good Lord allows that sometime. He'll use you more. He already has, in your family, in V4V. One said that often times the Lord likes to break a person into pieces so He can built more beautiful tower of faith, on even stronger foundation of that particular person according to His will.

Just like a potter creating a master piece, the potter will start over and over and over again until the potter is satisfied. The Lord is the potter, and we're just the clay.

Praying that The Lord will guide you and use you even more for His plans.

Jonathan and Rachel said...

Praying for you tonight, Brantley!

LK Clayton said...

Hi Brantley! We don't know each other outside of this bloggy world, but I have followed your story for months now. I always love your photos of your precioys baby, and your beautiful life, but what has me coming back daily is your writing. I love your passion for life, your enthusiasm and our honesty. I am so sorry you are going through a confusing time right now, but I know exactly what you are going through. Have you ever heard the saying "God doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called?" Be still and wait upon the Lord. He will lead you, He will guide you. I look forward to reading about your adventures. It will be bigger and better than you ever imagine!

Marcie said...

Brantley I think that this is completely normal. Sometimes we just have to have some me time and sit back and relax. And that's not a bad thing.
God will give you all the answers you seek, it will just be in his time and not yours.
Praying that things will start to look up for you. Remember that you are not alone!

The Pierce's said...

I love your honesty. I know it's so hard to put it yourself out there yet we all go through these periods of discontent. However, listening to your heart and the word of the Lord should bring a sense of discontentment in our lives. What the Lord desires and what the world at large desires are not the same thing. Keep praying! When we are most broken is when the greatest work is being done!

Wanda said...

Just wanted to say "I Love You"!

Robyn said...

I'm sorry that I'm seeing this so late! I completely understand how you feel. I feel like I was handling everything so well after my mc in June, but it has all been going downhill fast here lately. Even though our situations are different in life, I have been feeling a lot of the same things that you have! I admire your honesty and your willingness to ask for a little "love". I will be praying for you, your family, and your walk with God during this time! I hope you see a mountain top soon!