Friday, August 27, 2010

While I'm Waiting...

Wow, how do I even begin to describe my feelings and emotions today.  I have to be honest and say that today's training was NOT what I expected.  In some ways, it was better... and in others, well, it was depressing.  I won't lie, I left feeling pretty overwhelmed, a little bummed and just down in the dumps.  I'm pretty emotional to say the least.  We talked about so many things and discussed every possibility after placement - from legal issues to our children and birth moms.  There were quite a few things that were explained to us early on, that have since changed.  And to top it all off, a birth mom was supposed to come and share her experiences and give her perspective.  That was the one thing I was looking forward to today, and well, she didn't show up.  :(

Needless to say, I didn't have such a great day.  My brain in fried after taking in so much information, listening to legal advice and attorney information, formalities, etc.  It was just so much to take in today.  My point to saying all of this is that every bit of this journey is entirely in God's hands.  I want so badly to control things and speed up this process to at least get on the "waiting list".  But, what I'm realizing, is that I'm already on the "Waiting List".  This entire journey has been nothing but a waiting game.  And until now, I can honestly say, it hasn't been all that bad.  But these past few days and then today, well, its been really hard for me.  The reality of things is sinking in pretty hard. 

A neat quote I heard recently was this:

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, its about dancing in the rain.

I heard this and have realized that this is exactly what we ALL do in life.  Every time something comes up and we're eager to get to the "good part", we want so badly to fast forward our lives and get to it!  But instead, we forget that there is so much to be learned in the time of waiting.   For some people that may be a storm, for others, it may simply be waiting.  That lonely feeling for something or someone.  In my case, it's that sweet, precious baby that we will call ours!  My prayer is that we will glorify God through this time of waiting.  For Him to continue to prepare our hearts and our minds to bring this baby into our lives.  For us to seek after Him during this time, to mold us and break our hearts!  Oh how I pray for this precious child and the mother who is or will be carrying you!  I cannot imagine what her thoughts must be.  As she carries you in her womb, and prepares her heart for the day she will give you to us.

My thoughts are so endless right now.  I struggle getting my brain to slow down a little.  I continue to think the worse in things, to plan things out in my head and of course, to think about the "what ifs".  Its so exhausting!  To start, I am going to spend these next few weeks and months in prayer and seeking after Him.  Please keep your encouragement coming, we ALWAYS need that!  :)  As for everything else, please know we're not depressed.  haha  I mean that in all seriousness.  I'm okay, and I'm dealing.  I'm definitely so incredibly happy to be on this journey, and I feel blessed.  I wouldn't trade these crazy, emotional feelings for anything else right now!  I know that God is in control and this is all apart of his glorious plan! These are just my feelings and the things I'm struggling with right now.

Please continue to pray for us and our struggles.  As well as keeping us in your prayers that God will provide financially for the remainder of our journey.  We still have somewhere around $8,000 to raise/save.  We know without a doubt that this is God's plan for our lives, and in some way or another, He will provide for us.  We trust that.  Thank you to all who have been supporting us, praying for us and loving on us!  You are all deeply appreciated!  We look forward to continuing down this road and filling you on all the beautiful ups and downs of adoption.

Until then... Brantley

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