Tuesday, September 15, 2009

My Never-Ending Battle of PERFECTION!

Notes from me... the real me, completely vulnerable and REAL.....I wake up, get inside my bubble and strive for perfection. Everything from trying to look nice - to being the best at what I do. I don't know what it is about image and just wanting everyone to think you have it all together... but I crave it! I am always striving to be the best, be known by the world, and succeed daily in this world full of competition. Until recently, this has been my life [my whole life]! I'm so tired of living my life this way, really tired - emotionally drained and physically worn out! My body can't handle any more of this perfection, but most of all, my emotions can't stand it any longer. Every day I want to cry, scream, just turn into an emotional wreck!

Don't get me wrong... I love my life for the most part. I have an amazing husband who would do anything under the sun for me. The cutest dog ever who greets me every time I walk in the door with lots of kisses! A roof over my head, wonderful friends who are 'oh so' dear to me and an loving and caring family! But deep down inside... something is missing. I ask myself, what could possibly be missing from this picture? My life, thats what! With all of the dedication I put behind this business and the perfection I strive so hard to create - I'm missing out on my life! Its going non-stop and I forget to live it sometimes! (all of the time in fact) I find myself putting my friends on the back burner, my house gets taken care of once in a blue moon, my sweet husband gets dragged around, and my poor dog gets neglected!

Just recently we found a church home that makes us happy to attend church! Better yet, that even makes us want to wake up and crawl out of bed on a given Sunday morning. People are welcoming, free spirited, caring and best of all - we're getting connected! We actually want to give our time to the ministry. We've met several people who share the same passion for life, the same desires of our hearts, even that same deep burning I've been feeling in my heart lately! Well that deep burning in my heart is the call to adopt. I am always caring about myself, my business, my life. But the truth is, deep down inside, I want, I crave, I yearn to give to someone else. Growing up, I honestly wondered if I'd ever have kids of my own. As I got older, especially after marrying this amazing man, my husband, I realized of course I want kids. My desires soon turned into more than just kids of my own, but one day adopting a child. Giving this innocent creation a loving home, one that they've never had before.

Well, this hearts desire has become even more strong this past year. This great, strong tug at my heart. I can't even sleep at night I want it so badly! But the truth of the matter is - am I even ready to give up my selfish ways and take care, love and provide for another? Honestly, some days I ask myself how I can even take care of myself, much less another! My prayer is for God to open my eyes and reveal to me His plans. You see His plans are much greater than my own. I don't know what He has in store for us, God might provide us financially to adopt a wonderful child, He could just as easily make us wait. Or better yet, He may have something completely different in store for us! I want to be molded, to be made into what God has me to be. That is very very hard for this perfection crazy woman over here!

So, with all of this being said - I want some peace. I want peace in knowing this is out of my hands, and completely in the hands of God. He is the one with all of the answers, He knows everything. I can't wait to see what our future has in store for us and to see how God will use us in the future. God is awesome! Thanks for reading!

1 comment:

Leigh said...

so glad i read this tonight! so excited about lunch tomorrow!!!!