Sunday, March 6, 2011

This life.

Each day seems so different, yet my thoughts are the same.  Today, I feel lonely, empty inside and just wanting a new beginning.  I love my family so much, I love my husband and this precious baby girl God has blessed us with.  Yet, somehow, I have everything I could have ever wanted, though its not enough.   Some days I just want to pick up and move to another state [or possibly country] - meet new people, start over completely and just see where this life takes me.  Get out of this comfort zone, be a little uncomfortable & live more freely.  And although I think one day we might... we're not right now.  

My life is beautiful. Crazy.  Exciting.  Hard.  I love it, I really do.  I just feel like we're at such a strange place right now.  Most of our friends haven't had babies quite yet.  Some friends that we were once close to have moved away, or our paths have distanced themselves.  I find myself questioning the politics within the american church.  (oh don't even get me started there - at least not today) The hatred in this world, the bitterness and greed that seem to consume people. The road rage when you drive & get honked at for not moving the instant the light changes... and the feeling of being rushed when at the checkout line.  I am struggling to find my place in all of this.  Each day I turn on the tv and listen to the new anchor as he/she talks about the latest & most [depressing] news.  This world just seems so different, so dark and empty.  I'm sure you've gathered that by now after reading these past sentences.  (sorry)  I have so much to be thankful for, I guess my reason for this post is just purpose.  What is my purpose in all of this?

What is my purpose in life?  What is our purpose for my family?  Where does God have me in the midst of all of THIS?  Where do I fit in?  These are the thoughts that come to my mind today.  This world is full of empty, worldly, greedy, selfish people.  But, its also full of compassionate, loving, caring, generous ones.  I hope to be remembered from the latter of these.  Do you ever sit back and wonder where you fit into all of THIS?  Do you ever feel so alone thinking you're just not like anyone that surrounds you?  That maybe, you just want to make a bigger, more purposeful difference in life?!  Maybe its just me.  I just know that right now, after seeing the beautiful miracle that God has blessed us with, after seeing the generous hearts provide, the compassion and encouragement spoken over the last year - that there is SOOO much I want to do.  So much I want to do to honor this MIGHTY Savior that I call Daddy!  God is so good, and the least I can do is live a life of purpose, a life that is glorifying to Him!

I don't feel I'm living a horrible life, but I also don't feel I'm doing everything I could be to make a HUGE difference.  I was always told growing up that it just takes one person to make a difference.  I'm a believer.  I know that our little family of 3 can make a HUGE difference, and when I'm standing at those beautiful, pearly gates and facing my creator - I want to know that I didn't sit back and just enjoy life's pleasures.  I want to know that I made a difference in the lives of others.  I want to know that I lived a life glorifying to Him, a selfless life, and gave so generously with both my time and resources!  That I set no limits and poured my heart out no matter how many times it got stomped on.  That even if just once it made a difference, in the grand scheme of things... it would be WORTH all of THIS.  :)

That is the life I want to live.  What is the life you want to live?

Until then... Brantley


9 comments:

Tiffany said...

Brantley,
This post was exactly what I needed to read today! I feel the same exact way in my life. I often struggle with the same issue--am I really doing enough to make a difference? Is trying to be a good, kind person enough? Or should I maybe be doing something far more drastic in the world. Glad to know I'm not alonge in this! Thank you for sharing. I'll be praying this week for both of us to find and follow our purpose!

~Tiffany
http://tiffanyd22.blogspot.com

Karen said...

I completely agree with this post and the other comment. We don't know each other, and will probably never meet. But I have been following your blog for awhile. I too struggle knowing if I do enough on a daily basis to make a difference. I despise hearing the depressing news on a daily basis, but I still tune in because I hope and pray for a "good" story that seems to be a rare event. Anyway, I hope your tomorrow looks brighter, and trust that you are making a huge difference in that little girl's life!

Lara said...

When we had our first kiddo, none of our friends had children yet either and it was really difficult. They didn't understand why we couldn't just go out to dinner at 7:30 on a weeknight anymore!

And, girl, I am with you on the politics of the American church. That's been making me itch lately. America in general has, actually. I am so eager to leave these borders and see something new and different. So ready to go somewhere where people have more than just stuff. Don't get me wrong, I love our country, but I do think that with all we have we miss what truly matters.

Joy: said...

Brantley,

I have been feeling this way in the past 2 weeks. I think God is preparing us for something, I just don't know what.

I want to pass along an idea to you. I mentioned before that we recieved our sweet foster baby at just four days old. We hope to adopt her, but we have no guarantees here. A sweet local photographer and friend came to us and offered to take her baby pictures for free. Granted, this is not life-changing, but it meant so much to us. She deserves to have these precious pictures just as much as any other child. The expense as foster parents would ahve been out of reach for us. The photographer has given us her time and then a CD with a collection of her favorite pictures from our mini-shoot.

We will be able to keep these for ourselves, and even share them one day with others- that may even mean another family.

Just a thought. Have a great day!

amelia said...

Hi Brantley, I've been following your blog, and enjoy reading it. Congratulation on you new bundle of joy. She is beautiful.

Beautiful post today too. It reminded me of my purpose too. Mother Teresa from Calcutta said something about this. I forgot her exact word, but she said that it's not about doing great things, but it's about doing small things with great love.

When I think and contemplate her words, I'm reminded about my own vocation, the vocation that God has given me, which is being a mother and a wife. He has blessed me with a wonderful husband and beautiful children.

With beautiful blessings, come great responsibilities. I'm responsible to love my husband, to care for him, to provide a loving family when he comes home from work everyday, to be the wife he deserves, to respect him, to obey him, and to be the wife God wants me to be. I have to keep trying, maybe for the rest of my life, it's not easy.

I'm responsible to nurture and educate our children to be the people God wants them to be, to make Christ as the center of their lives, by teaching them how to pray, reading bible stories, by bringing them to Church,etc, so that when the time comes, they will know what God wants them to do, what their vocations are and follow them. When the time comes, we as parents can let them go to the world, and they will fulfill their vocations and be the people God wants them to be, to continue doing small things with great love.

When the time comes, we as their parents will be able to answer before the Almighty what we've done at our best, and leave the results to His mercy.

Surely, the things that mothers and wives do are not 'great' in the world standard, but I remember the story about 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish that were brought before The Lord to feed 5000 people. The Lord took them, and blessed them and we all know the result, abundance....That's what I'm striving to do, I give Him all that I have, small, but I know He will bless these small things and make them abundance in His own way.

Each person is given responsibilities by God, some are big, some are small. Mine are husband and children, My work might be hidden to the world, but not to God, that's all what matters.

Thanks for reading my bubbling

Wanda Harelson said...

Wow, Amelia! This is what we all needed to hear today....God Bless You!

Joy for the Seasons said...

You can make a huge difference in small ways right where you are. Don't wait for opportunity to find you, go out and do it. From a voice of experience, know that you would likely still have these feelings halfway across the world. It is part of this world not being our true home. Make an impact right where you are--start an orphan care/adoption ministry at your church, become a photographer for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, do fundraisers for families that are adopting. It is so so good to get out of our own heads and go serve like crazy! :)

mcknightdiary said...

I've been going through the same feelings. I have a feeling He has you right where He wants you, feeling broken, not enough. I know, that's where I am. I remind myself daily that I'm not enough. I can't do it all. But The Holy Spirit living within me can. His power is like a waterfall, compared to our little drops of water. Not sure what I'm saying, but it's making sense in my head!
Thanks for the post!

Christine said...

Brantley there is a time and season for everything and I am sure that in due time you will be able to accomplish everything that your heart desires. Enjoy this time with your sweet little girl and your hubby because this may be were God wants you to be right now. Believe you me I struggle with the same thing. Feel free to check out my blog if you like...