Each day seems so different, yet my thoughts are the same. Today, I feel lonely, empty inside and just wanting a new beginning. I love my family so much, I love my husband and this precious baby girl God has blessed us with. Yet, somehow, I have everything I could have ever wanted, though its not enough. Some days I just want to pick up and move to another state [or possibly country] - meet new people, start over completely and just see where this life takes me. Get out of this comfort zone, be a little uncomfortable & live more freely. And although I think one day we might... we're not right now.
My life is beautiful. Crazy. Exciting. Hard. I love it, I really do. I just feel like we're at such a strange place right now. Most of our friends haven't had babies quite yet. Some friends that we were once close to have moved away, or our paths have distanced themselves. I find myself questioning the politics within the american church. (oh don't even get me started there - at least not today) The hatred in this world, the bitterness and greed that seem to consume people. The road rage when you drive & get honked at for not moving the instant the light changes... and the feeling of being rushed when at the checkout line. I am struggling to find my place in all of this. Each day I turn on the tv and listen to the new anchor as he/she talks about the latest & most [depressing] news. This world just seems so different, so dark and empty. I'm sure you've gathered that by now after reading these past sentences. (sorry) I have so much to be thankful for, I guess my reason for this post is just purpose. What is my purpose in all of this?
What is my purpose in life? What is our purpose for my family? Where does God have me in the midst of all of THIS? Where do I fit in? These are the thoughts that come to my mind today. This world is full of empty, worldly, greedy, selfish people. But, its also full of compassionate, loving, caring, generous ones. I hope to be remembered from the latter of these. Do you ever sit back and wonder where you fit into all of THIS? Do you ever feel so alone thinking you're just not like anyone that surrounds you? That maybe, you just want to make a bigger, more purposeful difference in life?! Maybe its just me. I just know that right now, after seeing the beautiful miracle that God has blessed us with, after seeing the generous hearts provide, the compassion and encouragement spoken over the last year - that there is SOOO much I want to do. So much I want to do to honor this MIGHTY Savior that I call Daddy! God is so good, and the least I can do is live a life of purpose, a life that is glorifying to Him!
I don't feel I'm living a horrible life, but I also don't feel I'm doing everything I could be to make a HUGE difference. I was always told growing up that it just takes one person to make a difference. I'm a believer. I know that our little family of 3 can make a HUGE difference, and when I'm standing at those beautiful, pearly gates and facing my creator - I want to know that I didn't sit back and just enjoy life's pleasures. I want to know that I made a difference in the lives of others. I want to know that I lived a life glorifying to Him, a selfless life, and gave so generously with both my time and resources! That I set no limits and poured my heart out no matter how many times it got stomped on. That even if just once it made a difference, in the grand scheme of things... it would be WORTH all of THIS. :)
That is the life I want to live. What is the life you want to live?
Until then... Brantley